I am a very deep thinker, and the older I’ve got the deeper my mind has become. I look around me at the world and I am horrified and shattered at what humanity has done and has become. All the pain and suffering in the world has one source and one source only, humans….

I am sad to say I have grown to hate our species. As a person who claims to have a relationship with Jesus, I know I am called to love people, myself included. And up until now I don’t love people at all. I’m starting to spend a lot more time with God lately and I’ve been asking Him to open my eye’s to see things through His Eye’s. He has led me inward… Of course, He would, because He lives’ IN us. And as God always does He says Let’s start with you…..

I have known God long enough now to know my life is better when I’m with Him. He is always with me but I am not always with Him. It seems a lot of time like He is asleep in my boat. I’m tired of being inconsistent with Him. He wants me to surrender my all to Him. That’s easy when it seems my all has already been taken and He is all I have left. But I now know God well enough to know that my physical comfort, while very important to Him, is not priority number 1 on His list. Number 1 on the list for Him is our relationship and the state of my heart.

Soo… God is showing me, me…. I’ve kept Him in a little box in my heart; I call on Him when I’m in trouble. But I know He has promised me way more than what I’m experiencing but He can’t get it to me just yet cos my heart has been a mess. I’ve been this egotistical, selfish, vulnerable, scared child, and my first form of defense was always attack. A dangerous combination when left alone. I’m with Jesus and we are reaching out to that frightened child and we saying come now…. There is no need for this. There is actually nothing to fear.

I am going for counseling now and my counselor told me to speak to my “visitors”. So I have been insecurity, anxiety, stress…. Hello, where did you come from? What do you want from me? Are you valid? Are you imminent? Are you real? What can I do about you? Good technique to use cos those things are coming from inside you so we need to find their source. Where and when did they take root in my life? It all seems to stem back to my childhood. Shit I don’t even remember. So me… being me…. I pick up on this. This is good. But then I look at how deep it is and how much pain it will cause to get it out and let it go, and that causes more stress, anxiety and fear… WTF. Yes… it means that to lol, but I’ve come up with a new one; Worship, Thanks and Faith. 

I have shit that goes thru my head that is scary stuff. Stuff I don’t want to even talk about, not even to God. But He knows me. He has always known me. He knew me when He died on the cross for me. He knew me from before the time He did the foundations of the earth. He has always known me AND He has always loved me. He has been with me in every dark dingy place I went to. He held me and protected me when I sat all alone broken, scared with little to no hope. He has been the Only Good Constant in my life. And the more I look the more I see that I have NEVER been alone. I have chosen to try doing it alone.

I read the stories of the Israelites and I’ve often thought how stupid they were. Now that I’m looking at myself, raw, vulnerable… very vulnerable and I realize that I’m no different. If I look over the course of my life I see miracle after miracle and yet I have grumbled and doubted and complained…. OMW I see how I have fought with God, there have been times I have had Him by the neck demanding and manipulating, begging and eventually getting angry and stomping off. I hear Him now saying stop your fussing my child, I have you, I’m holding you, I’m comforting You, I’ve given you peace but instead of resting in what I’ve promised you; you are fussing and howling…. In my Lap!!! Rest now, I see you. I know you, I know your fears, I know your sin and I don’t care. You love Jesus, that’s all I’ve asked of you. Love Him, trust Him. 

God is teaching me to abide in Him, as He abides in me. He already abides in me; I just need to learn to abide in Him. Easier said than done. I find I’m constantly running back to Him cos while I’m abiding, I all of a sudden find myself down some dirty alleyway. This is where I’m at, at the moment. I’m messy but I’m not trying to clean it myself, I’m asking Jesus to take the mess. I don’t need to change that much, I need to let go and surrender, and allow more of Him to take over my heart. It’s more of Him that makes me change; it’s not from me trying harder.

I no longer view myself as a mess, but rather as a work in progress. And The Master is at Work so all I need to do is relax in His love and learn to enjoy the journey. I want to learn to be like Mary, I want to sit at His Feet and drink Him in, and then I want to get up and walk in The Power of The Holy Spirit Who Lives in me. This is my heart’s desire Lord. I’m far from where I want to be but help me be content with where I am at. Help me to rest in Your Love for me and help me to start loving myself again, which in turn will help me to love others. I cannot give what I don’t have.

Jesus said the greatest commandment is “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind, and love others as you love yourself. Therein is the problem. If you don’t even like yourself how the hell are we supposed to love others? The world is in a mess cos none of us have love and respect, first for God, then for ourselves. Out of that relationship everything else will flow. If we love God and our self it’s easy to love others cos it flows through you. But if you cannot love yourself you will start having other emotions toward yourself which you will pass on to everyone around you. We can only give what we are full of. We get messed up because we try to do life apart from God. That’s never what He intended. He intended for us to do it together with Him.

I’ve spent my life trying to do it myself. And trying to do it harder cos I was told I wasn’t trying hard enough. Life teaches us we have to earn something, and yes we do. But not with God, He has given us everything; we just need to learn to be in constant relationship with Him. It’s His Love for me that changes me. I’ve done 12 steps to this and 5 steps to that and nothing has worked. I’ve trusted others to the point where I cannot trust others anymore. But I can trust Jesus. He is showing me how He has been with me all along. He is showing me how much He loves me and more importantly that I am worthy to Him. He is helping me to love myself so that I can express my love to those around me. The ones I love with all my heart but I’m too scared to be vulnerable with them. I’m tired of being in the storm of life. He is The Eye in my storm. If I keep my eyes fixed on Him the storms of life don’t disappear but things get calm because all I see is Him. He is Glorious and Lovely. He is my Safe Place. Help me to abide. I believe Lord, Help me in my unbelief.

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